Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
