Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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