Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
