I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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