I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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