remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Vodka?
Forever.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
