Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
