I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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