WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
