How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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