I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
