I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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