The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
