I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
