So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
