This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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