dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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