Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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