im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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