im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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