she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
