Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
