Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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