Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
