it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
