Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
