For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I met the friendliest cop last night
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
