we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
