I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
