you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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