I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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