I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
