At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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