Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I look excited, but its just a facade.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
