conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
