I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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