the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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