weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
