I just pynch a tree in the face
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Fuck appropriateness.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
