My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
