you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
