Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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