I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
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wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize