i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
