I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
