this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
