I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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