Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
