dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
