i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
