If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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