Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
