The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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