the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
