He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
