Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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